Sometimes people need a different kind of conversation

Have you ever watched a workplace disagreement reach the point where two professional, capable people can barely speak to each other anymore?

An email is interpreted as criticism. A simple request sounds demanding. Someone doesn't respond, and then silence itself becomes part of the problem.

Sometimes conflict is founded on one particular incident that people have not resolved, other times, it a portfolio of issues, behavioural traits, communication styles etc.

What is common, is that both parties have come to a conclusion based on a belief they have formed; that belief is typically founded on an assumption they have made. Since then, they have bee looking for and collecting examples to validate that belief. However, it’s not uncommon for that assumption to be wrong.

I've seen workplace relationships become difficult over ordinary things. A decision made without consultation. Different expectations about responsibilities. A comment in a meeting that landed badly. One person feeling they’re carrying more than their share while the other feels constantly criticised.

None of these necessarily begins as a serious conflict.

But when concerns aren't resolved, people naturally begin to interpret each new interaction through everything that has happened before.

• "There they go again."

• "What's the point in saying anything?"

• "They've already made up their mind about me."

And gradually, resolving the situation becomes harder.

When talking it through isn't working

We often assume that if two people are having difficulty, they should just sit down and talk about it. In fact, many leaders dismiss the conflict and tell participants they can work it out themselves.

Sometimes they can.

If there is enough trust, goodwill and willingness on both sides, an honest conversation may be exactly what's needed. However, there are times when simply putting people in a room together isn't particularly helpful if there’s not someone there to support them through it.

Perhaps they've already tried talking several times and gone around in circles. Perhaps one person is more confident expressing themselves and the other tends to withdraw. Or perhaps so much history has accumulated that almost anything one person says is interpreted negatively by the other.

This is why workplace mediation can help.

However, it’s important to remember that a mediator isn't there to decide who was right, conduct an investigation or tell people what they should do.

Their role is to provide a structured and impartial process where people can better understand what's happened, explain what's important to them and explore whether there is a workable way forward.

People often arrive wanting to be understood

When workplace relationships have deteriorated, people understandably want an opportunity to tell their side of the story. They may have been ruminating about the situation for weeks or months. They have examples. They remember conversations. They may have emails that, to them, illustrate exactly what has gone wrong. Yep, they come with receipts!

Being heard is important, however, mediation asks something else of us as well.

Can I also become curious about how the situation looks from the other person's perspective?

That doesn't mean agreeing with them or deciding that their version is correct and yours isn't. It’s about recognising that two people can experience the same workplace interaction very differently. Someone might think they have been clear and efficient, yet someone else might experience them as abrupt. Someone who believes they're avoiding unnecessary confrontation may be perceived as refusing to communicate. Someone who keeps asking questions because they want clarity may come across as challenging every decision.

Intent and impact aren't always the same thing.

Mediation creates safe space to explore some of those differences without immediately having to defend them.

Mediation is not an investigation

Some workplace issues require a formal process. Allegations of serious misconduct, bullying, discrimination or breaches of workplace policies may need to be assessed or investigated through the appropriate organisational procedures and, where relevant, Australian workplace obligations.

Mediation serves a different purpose.

It is generally most useful when the central issue is a damaged working relationship, communication breakdown, recurring disagreement or difficulty finding a practical way to work together.

An investigation is concerned with questions such as: What happened? Was a policy breached? What finding should be made?

Mediation is more likely to ask: What has happened between us, what do we each need the other person to understand, and what would allow us to work together differently from here?

Those are quite different conversations.

What actually happens in workplace mediation?

People can understandably feel apprehensive when they hear the word mediation, particularly if they've never participated in one. They sometimes imagine being put in a room and expected to immediately confront the other person. A good mediation process is much more considered than that. Typically, the mediator first speaks privately with each person in an intake session.

This gives each participant an opportunity to describe what's been happening, identify their concerns and think about what they would like to change.

It also allows the mediator to assess whether mediation is appropriate.

The mediator will work with the participant in these private sessions to establish things like:

• What do you want or need in order to your job?

• What do you believe to be true that isn’t?

• Where did the other person cross the line?

• What can you tolerate and what can you not tolerate?

• What questions do you need to ask?

• What doesn’t the other person know about you

If everyone is willing to proceed, a facilitated conversation can then give each person an opportunity to speak, listen, clarify misunderstandings and discuss practical ways of working together. We’re not wanting everyone to be friends here; colleagues don't need to particularly like one another to have a respectful and functional working relationship.

Sometimes a very good mediation outcome is simply clarity.

• Here's what I need from you.

• Here's what you need from me.

• Here's what we'll do when something goes wrong.

Maybe that sounds simple, but in a relationship where expectations have become tangled in months of frustration, this simple process can be quite an achievement.

A useful question before requesting mediation

When people are dealing with a difficult workplace relationship, we support them to think about what they actually want to be different.

For example, we may using questioning like:

1. What has actually happened?
   Separate observable events from their assumptions about the other person's intentions.

2. What effect is the situation having?
   Think about the work, communication, decision-making and the working relationship.

3. What have they already tried?
   What helped, even slightly? What made things worse?

4. What would they like the other person to understand?
   Not everything they've done wrong, but what is genuinely important for them to understand about your experience.

5. What could they reasonably do differently as well?
   This is often the harder question.

You don't need to have all the answers before mediation. That's actually the point.

But thinking about these questions can help move them from “I need them to change" towards "What would need to change between us?"

That can create a great starting point.

Mediation works best before positions become entrenched

There can be a temptation to leave workplace conflict alone and hope it settles down. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t but there’s a good chance there will still be lingering resentment. Often, people simply become better at avoiding each other.Communication can become more formal. Other colleagues get drawn into conversations. Small decisions take longer because people don't want to speak directly. Managers spend increasing amounts of time dealing with the consequences.

By the time someone eventually suggests mediation, both people may have developed rigid stories about what has happened and why. Don’t worry, that doesn't mean mediation can't help. It just means there is value in intervening earlier.We don't need to wait until a working relationship has completely broken down before deciding that a different kind of conversation might be useful.

The goal isn't agreement on everything

I don't think the measure of successful workplace mediation is whether everybody walks away agreeing about the past.Sometimes they won't. One person may continue to believe a particular conversation was inappropriate while the other remembers it quite differently.

What can change is what happens next.

• Can they communicate directly rather than through other colleagues?

• Can they clarify expectations before frustration builds?

• Can they raise a concern without immediately assuming poor intent?

• Can they disagree about a decision and still work together afterwards?

Those may seem like modest outcomes, but they are often what allows people and teams to function well again.

Mediation doesn't erase history, and it certainly isn't a magic conversation that suddenly makes difficult relationships easy.

What it can provide is something many workplace conflicts have been missing for some time: a structured opportunity to stop repeating the same conversation and start having a different one.

What's Next?

• If you are leader wanting to improve your leadership capabilities or a HR professional wanting to improve capabilities of you leadership team, I can provide you a free strategy session to find solutions that work for you or your team. Book Your Call Here

• Check out our upcoming free masterclasses that focus on how to Feel Good at Work, how to work Better Together, Talk Smart (communication techniques), Mission Control (leadership techniques), Essential Human Skills, and how to Tame Your Time.

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