How to Deal with an Asshole at Work: Navigating Workplace Conflict
Understanding the Landscape of Workplace Conflict
Workplace conflict is more common than many realise. In regional areas like Alice Springs, where Barbara practices mediation, the issue is compounded by labour shortages and rapid promotions. People are often placed in leadership roles without adequate training, leading to dysfunctional team dynamics.
“You’d think a small population would mean less conflict,” Barbara shares. “But I’m constantly called in to mediate high-stress situations.”
The root of many conflicts lies in mismatched expectations, poor communication, and assumptions about intent. These misunderstandings can escalate quickly, especially when people feel unheard or disrespected.
Recognising Toxic Behaviour
Not every difficult coworker is a villain, but some behaviours cross the line into toxicity. Gossiping, undermining, micromanaging, and bullying are all signs of a deeper issue. These individuals may not even realise the damage they’re causing.
“Some people are just missing the emotional radar,” Barbara explains. “They don’t have the receptors to understand how their behaviour affects others.”
In mediation, Barbara often sees people shocked to learn how their actions are perceived. They may believe they’re being assertive or efficient, while others experience them as controlling or aggressive.
Applied Curiosity: A Tool for De-escalation
One of the most powerful tools that Barbara and Cecilia like to see in conflict resolution is applied curiosity. Instead of assuming someone’s intent, ask questions to gain clarity:
- “Can you help me understand why you chose that approach?”
- “What were you hoping to achieve with that decision?”
- “I’m curious about your perspective, can we talk?”
This approach shifts the dynamic from confrontation to collaboration. It allows both parties to feel heard and opens the door to mutual understanding.
“I’ve seen people walk out of mediation laughing and holding hands,” Barbara says. “All because they finally understood each other.”
Gossip: The Passive-Aggressive Trap
Gossip is one of the most common forms of passive-aggressive behaviour in the workplace. It often stems from a lack of confidence or communication skills.
“If I can’t confront you directly, I’ll talk about you behind your back,” Barbara explains. “It’s a way to feel empowered without facing the issue.”
Cecilia adds that gossip is seductive because it gives us a sense of superiority. We feel better about ourselves when we hear about someone else’s failures or flaws.
But gossip is destructive. It erodes trust, creates division, and fuels workplace conflict. Instead, Cecilia and Barbara recommends direct, respectful communication, even if it’s uncomfortable.
The Cost of Conflict: When Stress Becomes Physical
Workplace conflict doesn’t just affect your mood—it can impact your physical health. Barbara shares a tragic story of a client who was so overwhelmed by workplace stress that her body began to shut down.
“She had ulcers, skin issues, and eventually passed away from cancer,” Barbara recalls. “Her body stepped in when she couldn’t.”
This story underscores the importance of setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care. If you’re constantly anxious, exhausted, or physically unwell, it’s time to reassess your situation.
Fight or Flight: Choosing Your Path
When dealing with an asshole at work, you have two choices: fight the fight or walk away. Barbara encourages clients to ask themselves:
- Is this conflict worth my energy?
- What is the cost to my well-being?
- Can I make a change without compromising my values?
Some people choose to stand their ground, especially when they feel morally obligated to protect others. Others decide to leave and start fresh. There’s no right answer—only what’s right for you.
“Your job is there to serve you,” Cecilia reminds us. “It shouldn’t define you or destroy you.”
Leadership Blind Spots: Promoting Performance Over People
One of the biggest contributors to workplace conflict is poor leadership. High performers are often promoted for their results, not their people skills. This creates a culture where outcomes are prioritized over relationships.
“Leaders who are high in empathy are seen as soft,” Cecilia observes. “But they’re the ones who build trust and psychological safety.”
Barbara adds that micromanagement often stems from pressure. Leaders are expected to deliver results quickly, leaving little time for team development or innovation.
Mediation: A Path to Resolution
Mediation offers a structured way to resolve workplace conflict. It brings covert tensions to the surface and helps both parties understand each other’s perspectives. Barbara’s approach focuses on:
- Meeting halfway on the bridge
- Clarifying needs and boundaries
- Creating safe conflict through assertive communication
“Mediation isn’t about winning,” Barbara says. “It’s about understanding and moving forward.”
Workplace Conflict and Legislation
With growing awareness around mental health, legislation is evolving to recognise psychological injury in the workplace. Long-term stress, bullying, and toxic environments can now be grounds for legal action.
Barbara emphasises the importance of documentation. If you’re experiencing repeated harmful behaviour, keep records of emails, conversations, and incidents. This evidence is crucial if you decide to escalate the issue.
Human Resource are Expected to Always Have the Answer
The HR Department can get loaded with the weight of responsibility. Sometimes their hands are tied by the limitation to instil change in leadership practice. Barbara recommends exploring all the tools and resources available to you, including looking outside the organization for support such as industry regulations, legal resources, mentors or external coaches.
“HR is sometimes cleaning up leadership’s mess,” she explains. “You need to empower yourself with knowledge and data.”
Disempowerment vs. Disengagement
When employees are disengaged, it’s often because they feel disempowered. Promises weren’t fulfilled, responsibilities were denied, and their voices weren’t heard.
“People want to make an impact,” Barbara says. “When they’re blocked, they shut down.”
Organisations will often try to fix disengagement with incentives or praise. But what people really need is autonomy, trust, and meaningful work.
The Drama Triangle: Villain, Victim, Hero
In conflict, people often fall into roles: the villain, the victim, or the hero. The model is called “The Drama Triangle” created by Dr Stephen Karpman in 1968.
It’s a psychological and communication model used to explain dysfunctional social interactions. The three roles are:
- Victim – feels powerless, hard done by, or oppressed.
- Persecutor (often referred to as the Villain) – blames, criticises, or controls.
- Rescuer (often thought of as the Hero) – steps in to “save” the victim, which keeps the cycle going.
Each person sees themselves as justified, and the others as problematic. Recognising this dynamic can help you step out of the triangle and approach the situation with clarity.
“Most people don’t know they’re the villain,” Barbara says. “They think they’re doing the right thing.”
Protect Your Energy and Well-being
If you’re dealing with an asshole at work, here are Barbara and Cecilia’s top tips:
- Don’t internalise the problem – It’s not just you.
- Seek external support – A coach, mentor, or counsellor can offer perspective.
- Document everything – Keep records of repeated behaviour.
- Practice curiosity – Ask questions instead of making assumptions.
- Set boundaries – Know what you need to do your job well.
- Prioritise self-care – Your health matters more than any job.
- Know when to walk away – Sometimes, surrendering is the strongest move.
Workplace conflict is tough, but you don’t have to face it alone. Whether through mediation, coaching, or HR support, there are resources available to help you navigate difficult personalities and protect your well-being.
If you’re struggling with a toxic coworker or unresolved tension, reach out. You deserve a workplace that supports your growth, respects your boundaries, and values your contributions.
We can recommend an number of conflict resolution services or Industrial relations companies.
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