7 Strategies to Stay Calm in Difficult Conversations
Difficult conversations are inevitable. Whether you’re addressing a performance issue with a team member, discussing boundaries with a partner, or confronting a friend about a hurtful comment, these interactions can be challenging. Avoiding them often leads to unresolved tension that just fester until they burst. Approaching them with the right strategies can lead to better outcomes and stronger relationships.
1. Breathe and Centre
Before you begin, calm your mind. Deep breathing helps regulate emotions and prepare for a productive exchange. Remember “low and slow”. The goal to have slow, low, deep breaths to stimulate the vagus nerve, lower the production of cortisol and release powerful hormones like dopamine.
- Take three deep breaths to steady yourself.
- Remind yourself that the aim is resolution, not winning.
This aligns with the “Pause Principle” taking a moment before speaking reduces the chance of emotional reactions.
2. Listen Empathically
Listening creates connection and lowers defensiveness. Demonstrate that you understand their perspective.
- Maintain eye contact.
- Paraphrase their words to show you’re listening.
- Ask, “Can you tell me more about that?”
3. Keep Focus on the Issue
Stay on topic. Don’t let the conversation spiral.
- Take notes, and park any issues that can be addressed further down the agenda.
- Use “I” statements to describe how the behaviour impacts you.
- Focus on specific actions, not personal traits. Think about what requests you wish to make.
- Forget about making people pay, or blame, focus on what you can agree on.
It’s easier to reach agreement when you separate actions from identity
4. Use Your Emotional Awareness & Emotional Intelligence
Understand your emotional state and respond, not react.
- Know your triggers.
- Be aware of what emotion you’re feeling and detach from it; focusing on the facts.
- Allow feelings without letting them control you.
This prevents the conversation from escalating.
5. Focus on Collaboration
Frame the conversation around shared goals and solutions.
- Ask, “What is it you want from this situation and how can we work through this together?”
- Get clear on what you’re both aiming for; where is the common ground.
- Seek outcomes that work for everyone, thinking about what can you live with, what can you compromise and what are you not prepared to compromise.
6. Listen out For Feedback
Even if it’s uncomfortable, feedback can be useful.
- Ask questions to clarify.
- Not only can you try paraphrasing, but also try, reframing things to offer a positive perspective.
- Thank them for being honest.
When people feel heard, they’re more willing to listen.
7. Plan for Progress
Don’t just talk. Create a path forward.
- Summarise what you both agreed on.
- Decide what happens next.
- Set a time to check in on progress.
A difficult conversation without action is just noise.
You don’t need to like difficult conversations; however you can get better at them. With preparation, some tricks to remember in the moment, and the right mindset, you can get through them without regret.
What’s the hardest conversation you’ve had to have this year?
TLDR:
✅ Do
- Take three slow, deep breaths to calm your nervous system.
- Remind yourself the goal is resolution, not winning.
- Listen empathically — maintain eye contact, paraphrase, and ask open-ended questions.
- Focus on specific behaviours, not personal traits.
- Use “I” statements to express your own experience.
- Park unrelated issues for later instead of derailing the conversation.
- Know your emotional triggers and manage your reaction.
- Ask, “What do you want from this, and how can we solve it together?”
- Look for common ground, compromise where you can, and know your non-negotiables.
- Paraphrase and reframe feedback to check your understanding.
- Thank the other person for their honesty.
- Summarise agreements and set clear next steps.
- Schedule a follow-up to check progress.
❌ Don’t
- Rush into a conversation without pausing to regulate your emotions.
- Try to “win” or prove a point — it’s not a contest.
- Interrupt, assume intent, or dismiss the other person’s perspective.
- Let the conversation spiral into past grievances or unrelated topics.
- Criticise the person instead of addressing their actions.
- React impulsively when emotional — facts first, feelings second.
- Ignore feedback because it feels uncomfortable.
- End the conversation without clarity on next steps.
- Leave agreements vague or untracked.
Ready to handle difficult conversations with clarity and confidence?
If you’re navigating team tension, communication breakdowns, or just want to sharpen your conflict resolution skills, let’s talk.
In a 1:1 strategy session, we’ll unpack what’s holding you back and map out practical steps to approach difficult conversations with calm, confidence, and purpose.
👉 Book a free strategy session with Barbara – Let’s turn discomfort into growth.
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